A day in the life

She sees herself in the mirror and is disgusted her mother can't walk by without commenting about her weight. Every little insecurity builds up weighing down her soul like a ton of bricks, but she picks herself up and participates in daily life. When the darkness strikes though her first instinct is to shut up and hide but she is never lucky enough to be alone or with someone she truly trusts so she always has to do the proper thing and keep up the act smile, chat, hug goodbye. Get in the car and drive away, hang a left pull over turn the car off and think, waiting for the tears to come parading out of her eyes till she can't cry any more no matter how much she wants to . Start the car back up and drive on home hoping nobody notices the redness in her eyes and face only to find out that she worried for nothing because no one is home to notice. She runs to her room and does as she always does, goes for the junk food and pop, but tonight it wasn't enough. Decisions, him or her or him she needs help but who someone needs to be picked before she does something she regrets but she doesn't want to wake them at this hour. She tries to relax on her own and winds up staring at the ceiling and wishing she had a bottle of vodka she asks for help and only manages to make her friend feel like crap and make herself feel worse because she made them feel like crap. She calls another friend a little later but wakes them up feeling even more guilty she rushes them off the phone hoping they can fall back to sleep and that she didn't ruin their night because she knows they need sleep. So she winds up alone at 3 am drinking straight from a 2 liter and wanting to die with every fiber of her being. Sadly she cant kill herself because then in the next life she will feel guilty about leaving those who actually care.

Hope.....

so yesterday was anthony's birthday... it kinda sucked because neither of us got home before midnight and then my mom wouldnt go to sleep! but i dont think any of that matters.... me and anthony have been fighting alot and i dont know what to make of it. sure they are just little bouts of stupidity and i guess every couple fights but i dont know im worried then again i always am. ugh!!! =( i wish life came with a manual and a problem detector god i wish (just like every other teenager) oh well all i know is that i love anthony and he loves me and i think we will be just fine.