Done

I'm so done with my life :'(

Still falling

Another day and another lecture, apparently Everything I do isn't good enough. And I mean who am I to argue with almost everyone around me hell I agree with them anyhow, I have no ambition, I'm adequate at anything I do and the things I really want to do in my future I can't because the fields are limited and I just don't have the talent for them. I'm 17 years old and a total loser, I have one real female friend who I have to take care of like she is a small child because her family is a catastrophe and she can barely handle it. Maybe just maybe sometimes I need someone to take care of ME for a change but god forbid I let that happen because that would be showing my weakness and I just can't do that I can't. I desperately need to get passed this mental roadblock because the depression is getting so much worse and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it, I just can't do this anymore.

HELP

I need help I don't know what to do.... It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. NO NO NO!!! IT WILL NOT WORK!!!! ABSOLUTELY WILL NO WORK!!!!! It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. Maybe. Im so lost. God :( I don't know any more. Kill me.

Done

I really want my boyfriend right now. Ugh I havnt had a real conversation with him in almost a month. And I just miss him between stopping my friends from committing suicide and trying to kill thier mom! Idk what to do anymore I think I'm going to explode from needing mental and sexual relief dear God someone kill me NOW!!

Comments....

god my mom is a witch, my aunt is getting married and im supposed to walk in the wedding... my mom decided that if i dont wear a girdle i cant walk so apperantly im not gonna walk. my mom needs to get over the fact that im fat its really annoying to have her on my case all the time because im not a freaking supermodel geez.
in other news i went to the founders day festival yesterday with blaine and it was so much fun i got to see my friend jesica *from japanese class* and hand an amazing gyro

BOREDOM!!!!!!!1

God I am a big ball of suck.

Why? Why do I feel like someone hit me in the stomach?! Any sane person would think this is a good thing, but it scares the crap out of me this is a drastic change I mean it was a quirk but it was a quirk I kinda liked and in the strangest ways it turned me on. I mean come on I am the biggest mother hen I have ever met it's part of this big bag of crazy I call a personality. He is not crazy drinking was like his only real flaw and now he only has little mini flaws while I'm still over here switching from ecstatic to heartbroken sixteen times a day, I have been crying this whole time and probably will be for another hour till I fall asleep. He loved to drink it was like a hobby god this is gonna sound so selfish but if he is going to stop dealing with one thing he "loves" for what err reason why not keep loving down the bad idea line :'( 

Love

Location: Australia 
As the young girl walked along the beach she watched the waves come in and hit the shore with that rushing sound she wished she could listen to forever.... She was waiting to meet him after dating for a year they were finally going to meet. She walked into the ocean until the water was at her knee then she continued down the quiet beach staring at the setting moon, she decided it couldn't hurt to take a swim and dove in, she swam towards the horizon, stopped about half a mile from shore and lay on her back to relax.... A little while later the sun began to rise, she decided it would be best to head back to the hotel after all her parents would realize she had left if she didn't get back soon. It was no surprise to her that he didn't make it , he was never the promptest person in the world. Before going back she took in a giant gulp of air and dove as far as she could getting so far down she could just see a bit of coral and rocks in the early morning light, she never saw anything THEN the first sting! She had swum through a small pod of jellyfish, frantic she pushed toward the surface but couldn't make it before getting stung three more times with all her strength she swam for the shore, as she looked  up she saw him staring at her from the beach with that smile he got whenever he saw her as she neared the beach he walked into the water to meet her but when she got to him and didn't stand up his heart began to race his first thought was "is she ok?" he looked at her with his warm hazel eyes and saw the first sting on her back then two more on her right leg and finally another one just below her naval she looked weak as though about to pass out, frantic he pulled her from the water, picking her up being careful of the wounds. He knew that the jellyfish in the area were poisonous he carried her to his car and laid her on her left side as not to agitate the stings and drove her as quickly as possible to the nearest hospital on the way calling ahead to the emergency room and then to her parents to let them know what happened and where their daughter would be. As he sped toward the hospital he could hear her groaning in the backseat, she was obviously in pain and should have been throwing up by then (jinxed) she vomited into his gym bag, better than all over the backseat he supposed. As he pulled into the hospital he saw the nurses with the gurney to get her to a room as quickly as possible the instant they got her out of the car he rushed to park and after doing so he ran back after the gurney, catching up at the elevator. He wasn't letting her out of his sight after all he loved her with all his heart. The elevator bell rang on the seventh floor he rushed behind the gurney, they entered room seven-o-seven and shut the door behind them. Stuck out of the room he went over to a window and watched the door, afraid for her life. From the day he laid eyes on her he knew she was "the one" and what was happening had him sick to his stomach, starring nervously at the room his whole being focused on her he watched the doctors and nurses running in and out of her room       "was i too late?" he worried. But things  began to settle down, he waited awhile then went and knocked lightly on her door because he wasn't sure if she was asleep or sedated. He decided she was sedated after she didn't answer, he entered slowly and took a seat in the window bench near the bed beginning on the clip board of paper work a nurse gave him. All basic info he knew up until the insurance information that had to wait for her parents a confrontation he wasn't looking forward to. They walked in first her father then her mother he got up from his spot by the bed shook both their hands and handed her mother the paper work knowing that was her area the handing her father an envelope containing details of who he was, where he lived, and a police record like analysis of what had happened to his daughter. At the end it said "p.s I have this all written down because the sedative has worn off she is asleep and I am no leaving her side until I know she is alright." the girls father looked up at this young man in his early twenties then looked down at his sixteen year old daughter frowned but politely sat down took a pen from his wife an wrote one thing "why?" the young man simply smiled took the pen and paper from the girls dad and slowly wrote "I love her". As the girls father read this he was flooded with emotions of thankfulness, confusion, anger, then hate and he starred at the boy with flames of fury burning behind his ice blue eyes but all the boys attention was on the girl lying in the hospital bed not a foot from him. He leaned against the wall of the window seat biting his lip. He watched and waited completely oblivious to the angry father starring at him full of hatred for what he had just written. The girl slowly began to stir and woke up to a room full of people standing over her, the thought "where am I?" struck her then he reached over with a gentle hand and moved some hair off of her face "hey" he said "hey hun" she replied. Then she realized who the other people in the room were "damn" she thought, it was her mom and dad, her mom looked relieved but her dad looked furious. She was confused what was going on? What had happened? Where was she? How had she gotten where ever it was she was at? When had he shown up? She looked around and it looked like she was in a hospital room then she looked back at him and instantly knew he had brought her here and said the one thing she knew no one would have thought to say "thanks". She sat up and was hit by a dizzy spell she lay back down, he noticed and moved closer in case she needed help, she tried again and it wasn't as bad she sat there and waited for the inevitable explosion from her parents. Her father began demanding how this had happened, why she was at the beach, who HE was, why he was at the beach. She answered all of her dads questions to the best of her ability because she didn't remember it all he helped her out when she hit a hole in her memory then after they answered all of the questions her dad calmed down and asked if she was ok but the only answer she could give was "I don't know to be perfectly honest I'm numb all over" he was already standing over her so he starting poking her in different places asking if she felt anything as her father watched. When she said she didn't feel anything he rushed out to the nurses station, to ask a few questions and fetch a doctor, with her dad at his heels. This is when her mother asked a simple two word question "how long?" the answer "a year" came out naturally and happily she hated having to lie about him she loved him so much and seeing how he took care of her only made that love stronger. He walked back in, coming straight to her, followed by her father and a doctor who then proceeded to do the same thing her boyfriend had done before walking out. The doctor finished wrote something down on her chart then pressed something on the i.v machine and walked out. She suddenly felt very tired she looked at her parents then looked at him as he took his seat in the windows next to her bed and simply watched him as she drifted to sleep. He watched her laying there, when she finally fell asleep he started to think about what had happened on the beach that morning going over it multiple times in his head he gave up with a sigh and in a light whisper said "it's all my fault" he looked up to see if her parents had heard but neither of them were in the room, they must have left a while ago. He got up and laid next to his girlfriend in the bed, he simply laid there and watched his beauty sleep he soon drifted to sleep after all it was very late and he had been up since early in the morning. Anyone who walked in that night would have seen a young man and girl laying together, his arm wrapped around her in a protective and loving manner, both with a relaxed and happy expression on their faces. Sadly the pair awoke to her fathers angry reaction to finding them in bed together, when she realized why her dad was yelling she smiled and looked at the man laying next to her but only briefly because she had to look at her dad to play the part of the terrified daughter but if ever there was a time her dad didn't scare her it was then she was so happy just being in the same room with him when he was so close she felt like nothing could touch her meanwhile he was both happy to be with her and terrified her father would kill him for being with her but he loved her with all his heart and wasn't going to hide it anymore. He took hold of her hand turned and for the first time gave her a kiss and when their lips touched they both knew that this was it, he knew for sure that she was the one and that he was probably going to die by her fathers hands and she knew she never wanted to leave his side ever again she knew that they would be together forever, that they could make it through anything even her dads fury. So when hey finally separated she starred intently into his eyes then turned to face her father, who used every swear word there is, set more rules than she could count, and threatened his life under so many conditions even the best lawyer couldn't find a way around it. They listened to every word took all the fury, he knew this was bad but he would do anything for her, with her hand in his he felt invincible when she had looked into his eyes after their kiss he knew their world was going to change drastically forever. When her father finally finished yelling she squeezed his hand looked into her dads eyes and simply said "no." both men looked as though they had been slapped across the face, and hard. Her dad recovered first "excuse me?" "you heard me." furious her father stomped out meanwhile her boyfriend was just recovering from what he had just heard, after all she had almost left him at one point for fear of her father. She looked at him and asked "are you ok hun?"

Tear

What the hell just happened?? Last night I went to sleep with Anthony and I was relaxed and happy, I then had a wonderful dream about him being here with me laying down till my dad showed up and I ran to keep him out of the room while anthony hid in the closet luckily my dad left without seeing my baby which really put me in the mood leading to a good time and snuggling. Then today we talk and get into a fight for no reason whatsoever and immediately afterward our connection was cut! God then I get messages a from him saying that I don't deserve him but I love him and now all I wanna do is cry but for who knows what reason I can't. 

A day in the life

She sees herself in the mirror and is disgusted her mother can't walk by without commenting about her weight. Every little insecurity builds up weighing down her soul like a ton of bricks, but she picks herself up and participates in daily life. When the darkness strikes though her first instinct is to shut up and hide but she is never lucky enough to be alone or with someone she truly trusts so she always has to do the proper thing and keep up the act smile, chat, hug goodbye. Get in the car and drive away, hang a left pull over turn the car off and think, waiting for the tears to come parading out of her eyes till she can't cry any more no matter how much she wants to . Start the car back up and drive on home hoping nobody notices the redness in her eyes and face only to find out that she worried for nothing because no one is home to notice. She runs to her room and does as she always does, goes for the junk food and pop, but tonight it wasn't enough. Decisions, him or her or him she needs help but who someone needs to be picked before she does something she regrets but she doesn't want to wake them at this hour. She tries to relax on her own and winds up staring at the ceiling and wishing she had a bottle of vodka she asks for help and only manages to make her friend feel like crap and make herself feel worse because she made them feel like crap. She calls another friend a little later but wakes them up feeling even more guilty she rushes them off the phone hoping they can fall back to sleep and that she didn't ruin their night because she knows they need sleep. So she winds up alone at 3 am drinking straight from a 2 liter and wanting to die with every fiber of her being. Sadly she cant kill herself because then in the next life she will feel guilty about leaving those who actually care.

Hope.....

so yesterday was anthony's birthday... it kinda sucked because neither of us got home before midnight and then my mom wouldnt go to sleep! but i dont think any of that matters.... me and anthony have been fighting alot and i dont know what to make of it. sure they are just little bouts of stupidity and i guess every couple fights but i dont know im worried then again i always am. ugh!!! =( i wish life came with a manual and a problem detector god i wish (just like every other teenager) oh well all i know is that i love anthony and he loves me and i think we will be just fine.

Change!

So my bf has a new work schedule now and its really interesting, because now he is going to be working weekdays 2pm-11pm I'm kinda excited and kinda scared.... before he was working the graveyard shift (10pm-7am) so we had some trouble coordinating a conversation where neither of us wanted to pass out now hes gonna be home at 11:15ish and we should get to talk more but where hes staying he is having trouble setting up his PS3 so we cant chat just yet and that brings back the fear from when he first told me he was working doing something different and wasn't gonna be staying at home...... am i gonna lose my Anthony? i don't think so just yet but the universe/god/karma always seem to like to mess with me and him. then again my friend Justin (who had spent a vast majority of the time we talk trying to tell me my relationship would inevitably fail) has finally given up and thinks me and my baby will be happy together!

Thats News to Me.....

My Best Friend, Jordana, informed me today that i am a chubby chaser when i told her i like "bigger" girls.... i didn't know there was a word for it.... (~^_^~) I'm just slightly embarrassed. but you know what i think its fun so =P small girls are a lot grosser than big girls!

I Wonder.....

ok do you ever wonder what your future is gonna be like? well i do all the time and you know what its interesting what i come up with, sometimes i see myself with Anthony in exotic places other times i see us in a small home in the suburbs watching the kids play in the yard. but you know every now and again i see my parents showing up at the door and im over there having a F*<%!^& panic attack because "i have to marry a chaldean boy" and i didnt do that.... WTF was i supposed to do, listen to my parents and wind up miserable for my entire life?? im not a fucking puppet i think i deserve to be happy! but one day ill have to deal with the latter thing happening... i think ill have Anthony tell them =* lol nah i think ill text them after im married... yeah thats the safest idea. UGH!!! idk the only thing i know for sure is that i really really really want to be with Anthony now and forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever (so on and so forth)

boredom.

church was so boring! but today i didnt go to school i went to visit (and shadow at) oakland early college and that was boring too!! honestly the best part of my day was probably talking to anthony on blaines phone, it was only a couple of minutes but it was really nice <3

Better Late than Never

OMG OMG OMG!!! My bf's mom knows we are together and that we love each other!!! SOOOOO EXCITED!!! OK so I'm a brides maid for my aunt who's getting married in August, and at the bridal shower i snuck off and called my bf (on my cousins phone) and he was with his mom he told her where i was and why and she said that i needed to hurry up and catch the bouquet because she needed a daughter in law, i thought she was just messing with Anthony but he later told me that she knew who i was and how we felt about each other. to say the least i was in a great mood for a party i didn't really want to be at.

IM BAAAACK!!!

OK, so break down has been over with since like September (sorry) but my dad official hates my moms entire family except My aunt Rasha whom it is impossible to hate unless you are evil. yes short sweet and to the point, I'm back, I'm alive, I'm with MY Anthony and i have my car (and license)... ty ty ty lol