Cracks

i feel like everything is falling apart and idk when things will come back together... or if they ever will what will this be like when its done i mean my parents probably wont be together and with my luck i wont be living at MY house my parents wont let me talk to anthony =( and i think they r going to get rid of my car which was the last thing i had to keep me from losing my mind i was looking forward to having a way to escape a way to just run out if i needed to cause if its not daylight now im stuck in this house and i have to deal with everything around me which doesnt work for me because they make me want to scream idk i just feel torn about all this bull shit.... HELP ME SOMEONE!!!

Didnt See That One Coming

wow um i think my mom is looking for a house Jesus Christ this is not good what am i gonna do she is gonna rip me from my home and that also mean that ill be farther from my friends and my dad and then thinking about all of this last night caused a minor break down then of course i have a dream about anthony and i dont know what to think about it. hes hurting so much and i just wanna help but if i was to tell him about the dream would he take it as me wanting to be with him subconsciously ugh what to do what to do what to do *sigh* ok a dream about me and him sitting on a bench at night (full moon) kissing then we get up and walk to my car but then it turned into a nightmare and instead of going somewhere nice we went to my grandmothers house and my parents were fighting my grandma started barking at me to clean the second we showed up and as if couldnt get any worse my dad left without a word mmmm =( i dont know what to think about it. the thing with anthony had me happy and smiling but obviously im not meant to be happy i dont know what to do about this. should i tell anthony should talk to my mom about how i feel should i call my dad and talk to him. and the worst thing is i cant even talk to anthony to find out what he thinks cause my mom checked online and took my phone away.

Madness

ok so all hell has broken out in my life my parents wont talk without argueing and i think they r getting a divorce so yeah theres that but before this little fit the banned me from talking to a friend i met through call of duty but i had my own little break down and had to talk to someone except it was like one in the morning so i couldnt reach anyone else. =( now my mom took my phone she started asking me about what i think is going on and i really dont want to have that conversation honestly ive been stuck at my grandmas house and well im sick of being here the only person im not sick of is my aunt *sigh* i just wanna go home idc whats going on with my parents i wanna sleep in my bed take a shower with my fave shampoo in my bathroom and be left alone while my parents are at work idk what im gonna do when school starts my mom wont even let me go to my best friends bday party which sucks cause i mean its the last thing before school starts so i wanted to do it i already missed the seniors going away thing at the bowling alley god my mom says she wants us to socialize and just said something about my dad yelling at me but id rather he yelled at me for not doing the dishes than have my grandmother hover over me all day long that kills me inside more than anything else in the world seriously (and my mom just came to check on what i was typing i exited and told her i was just aimlessly venting which is true but i didnt want her to kno what i think of all this its my thoughts but if i didnt vent id kill someone so thats what im doing) i love my grandma and uncle and aunt and mom and bros but i love my dad too and i miss him alot i wanna hang with my friends not that this is new but i really want school to start so that i can just escape hell ill walk to whatever new place my mom has us at if its still my grandmas or she gets an apartment or whatever she wants but i just wanna get away for a bit idk what im gonna do without my dad its been like 4 days and i already cry when i think of him. thank god i had anthony on my side we were fighting when i called him and he totally forgot everything and helped me feel better not many people can do that and im glad i have such a good friend i just wish i could help him to i mean he lost his best friend in a car accident and another friend was just in a car accident and is in critical condition at the hospital i feel so bad but im glad that i can talk to him and put a smile on his face its nice to feel helpful considering all day i feel like a useless lump even when im cleaning or doing whatever. i definitly need a surefire escape to get away from all this bs just a way to get the feeling everything is gonna be alright even if i dont know that for sure. i love my family all of them no matter what happens and im not exactly extatic about my mom and dad argueing period but this is extreme ive been a daddys girl all my life and i dont want to live without him but idk if he even wants me or my bros o be with him but ill keep my chin up and deal with whatever happens

Lots of Emotions

-CNK

Break-Up

ok so me and my bf broke up and now we hate eachother i never wanted that he meant alot to me and now i hover around accusing him of stupid bs like telling blaine that my parents are getting a divorce wow am i a bitch or what?? jeez just kill me i cant believe ive ruined everything he was trying so hard to be my friend and now im sure he wants nothing to do with me i feel so bad i never wanted to hurt him i loved him and he was one of my best friends sometimes i wish we never met all ive done is kill him from the inside im such a horrible human being i dont deserve to have such wonderfull people in my life and then me all i do is neglect and hurt people i dont deserve them.... (yes i know pitty party GET OVER IT)

*sigh* crystal nova

WTF!!!!

what the fuck! y did my dad take my phone?!?!? i mean i dont even know what i did seriously!????????!!!

not to mention that my brother wants to move the game systom into his room i mean really i use it and so does my other bro i dont care what my parents say it doesnt belong there!!! he uses it mainly durin the day and i use it at night so y the heck do they think it belongs there? i mean really he already has a laptop like he needs it in his room all he does is watch porn and play runescape GAWD! my family is so infuriating!!!! i swear they may as well put me in chains !! u know what 4get it FUCK it all i just plain give up!!!

days gone by

the last couple of days have been amazing!!! on june 30th me and anthony were both in fantastic moods and considering all the BULLSHIT we go through daily that was pretty awesome so we totally exploited this fact and had some fun.... then we ACTUALLY RELAXED afterward idk but it was the best night in forever not to mention that i spent the day with my little bro at the orthedontist (lol) and then the gas station it was a fucking riot
then july 2nd was fun too me and luke (little bro) biked to mcyd's to hang with a friend then my aunt showed up and we went to my cousins house and hung with the girls grandma came same with my uncle and his wife it was nice to hang with the family and not want to kill everyone
idk about life maybe i can do it maybe i cant but for now i am happy!!

Blues

so today idk why but i just had to tell my boyfriend about my doubts about "us" he didnt take it too fantastically but he took it better than i thought he would we are still together and are going to try to make this all work out but still.... i love him but idk its not as strong a love as it needs to be for "us" to work forever. maybe im just too particular about these things. cause i mean its not that we arnt happy together its that i cant take the uncertainty the inability to be with him... so yeah it is kinda about the distance but who doesnt want to be able to hold thier boyfriends hand at least once so i know im not completely insane. i am aware that it is really rare to find a guy willing to commit to you for a lifetime unless hes "the one" i do wish he is that special someone but i really doubt it. still hes so sweet and amazing idc what my gut is telling me im gonna stay with him for as long as possible! cause he is trying so why shouldnt i....

Heaven V.S Hell

Today was the best morning Ive had as far back as i can remember, i got to talk to my boyfriend @4am then i took a HOT shower (our water heater has been broken) got to talk to another friend bike to school (which i love doing cause it means i can do the next thing..) got Starbucks and still made it to school within my time. then i got some work done on my art project saw my ceramics pot (which looked awesome) understood what was going on in chemistry & aced a Japanese test.... then i had English class i got a C on a project i put way too much time into lost my possible extra credit because my class is full of stupid mother fuckers, got to ceramics and the kid who sits across from me was messing around and BROKE my FUCKING POT!!! god my day was born when i woke up was in its prime in art then got old and had a heart attack as English started then had another heart attack was put on a respirator and died after pulling the plug on itself in ceramics!! i mean i was in such a terrible mood when i got home my boyfriend (who i am totally in love with) couldn't cheer me up =( as the day progressed i started feeling a little better then i realized my parents have me looped in for babysitting my little brother (this is the third weekend in a row) i cant complain too much though... i just got a 2006 Avalon !BUT! my mom is threatening to withhold my right to drive it unless i drop 40lb. GRAWR!!!! Someone just shoot me in the forehead already!